Postnatal Depression and Anxiety: One Mum's Story
Why is this something we never talk about? The number of women that go through it, and you only hear about it after you reluctantly say something to a friend, or even a stranger. And often after the worst of it has passed and you are coming out the other side.
I remember finding out I was pregnant with my second, and if I am completely honest, I felt so much guilt because I was not happy to be pregnant. I wondered if I had made a mistake, and it felt awful inside that I might not actually want my baby.
I then started to get really sick. I was three months pregnant and was skin and bone as they investigated what was wrong with me. In the end, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. My feelings totally flipped around. I realised how much I wanted my baby. I was terrified about whether he would be okay. I was told to take medications that can cause birth defects, but was informed by my doctors that if I did not get better and look after myself, it would be worse for my unborn child.
In the end, I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I was loving every moment. I had forgotten the newborn touch and smell. I was taking everything in and able to enjoy it the second time around, as I was not filled with the fear and unknown of a first-time mum. But as the months went by, I found myself getting lost in dark thoughts. I would sit in my room feeding and just crying, and not sure why. I never spoke to anyone about how I felt and was confused as to why I felt like I did.
I found myself going to the feeding clinics at the community centre, even though I had no issues feeding. I would find myself crying when the community nurse told me I was doing a great job. I guess this raised some alarm bells with her, so she asked me to come in for an appointment where they get you to answer a questionnaire. I do not think I was completely honest in it, but even still, I was recording levels of depression.
One night, confused and feeling alone and unable to sleep, I took a whole sleeve of anti-anxiety medication. I did not have the intention of self-harm but just wanted to sleep. However, when I look back, I did also know that what I was doing was not good.
I then decided that to get better, I had to talk. I told my psychologist, who I had started seeing towards the end of my pregnancy, and I had never talked to her about my feelings. I had previously only spoken about the children and dealing with trivial daily things. I had the community nurse ring my husband and GP, telling them what was going on, so I could no longer hide it. And had I not started to open up, the healing process may never have started.
It is so important to know that you are not alone. You are never alone. Even if you do not want to seek help from those you are close to, seek it from other places such as helplines and medical practitioners.
Sarah, mum to two boys, Harrison and Hugo
If you think this could be you, please reach out for support.
Lifeline (24 hours, 7 days) 13 11 14 www.lifeline.org.au
PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) 1300 726 306 Monday to Friday 9am – 7.30pm, Saturday 9am – 4pm (AEST/AEDT) www.panda.org.au
Healthdirect Mental Health Helplines www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-helplines